Squirrel Warning

“I want to kill all the squirrels.”


“Do you want to put out squirrel traps?”
“I want to shoot them.”
“With a BB gun?”
“With a .22. I don’t want them to have any heads left. Then I want to hang their tails on the fence as a warning to the other squirrels.”


Two weeks earlier I had been weeding in the backyard right under the huge pine trees. It was the spot in the yard where all the needles drop from the trees, nothing much grows there making the weeding super easy. I pulled up dandelion, thistle, & chickweed, then I pulled on a stem that felt different than the others. Up out of the dirt came this split open hazelnut. It was about 4 inches tall with a couple of little leaves & some white roots poking down the other direction. It was adorable. I was in love. I may have squeed out loud.

I took it into the house & put it in a little dish with some water. Shortly after, it may have been within the hour, I had bought some potting soil. I planted it & for an entire week it looked amazingly healthy & strong. I had it in the window & I watered it regularly. Then the fruit flies invaded.

I’m not a fan of anything living in my house other than the two humans who paid for it & these fruit flies were killing me. I looked up solutions to the problem, then tried them, but none of them worked. After another week I had no choice but to put it outside, that’s where it belonged anyway right? I thought it was big enough & strong enough to survive out there, after all that’s where it came from & it had grown two whole leaves since I took it in.

The next morning I found what you see in the picture. A tipped over pot & a dead hazelnut tree.

Normally I am a disaster with houseplants. I have killed everything except 1 lucky bamboo plant. I’ve had 5 lucky bamboo plants & countless other things, all dead. The only reason I think the 1 lucky bamboo plant survived was because there is no dirt (to grow fruit flies) & I can see when the water is low. I was SO proud that I’d kept this hazelnut plant alive for as long as I did & I ADORE hazelnuts. Since moving to Oregon & frequently driving through all the hazelnut groves I have dreamed of having my own hazelnut bushes in my backyard.

After weeping over my loss, I plotted my revenge against the squirrels, which I shared with Aaron. Since I don’t have a .22 or a BB gun I have resorted to throwing pine cones at them whenever I have the chance. I’m sure they have noted my displeasure.

Backyard, Summer

One response to “Squirrel Warning”

  1. Mom says:

    FREDEREKA!!!!RUN!!! HIDE!!! 🙁
    Get a new bush from the nursery. One that is ready to plant outside. I feel for you.

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